Before I Lose My Mind
by EmeraldNorth
Summary: She was the only reality he needed. She was his anchor, holding him to the real world. If he had a choice, he would never let her go. But he doesn't, and neither does she. [One-shot; Semi-AU; AlLena]


**AN: Some angsty AllenxLenalee. Takes place while Allen is on the run, but not completely canon. Allen's POV.**

 **If I owned DGM, I wouldn't be waiting for the next chapter for an eternity.**

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This was wrong. This was so horribly wrong. It shouldn't have been like this. Not this place, not this time, not this situation.

But there she was, standing in front of me, and I succumbed to my selfish desires.

I was afraid, I was afraid I would wake up and she would be gone, just a figment of my imagination. She'd just be a dream I dreamt to escape reality. But her hands on my chest felt so real, and I could smell her shampoo.

I really shouldn't have done this. I didn't plan for this, so why did I do it? I had to keep moving, keep walking, so why couldn't I just let go of her? Why couldn't she just let go of me? Her hands shouldn't be on my chest, her body shouldn't be trapped between me and the alley wall.

At first I was pretty sure she was just an illusion, somebody else who happened to look like her. But then she said my name, she said it in that Lenalee-like way she has, and I knew. She was really here. I wanted to scream at her, shout at her, ask her why she would do something as stupid as follow me during these times. But when I saw her truthful smile and the mix of emotions dance in her purple eyes, I couldn't get a single word out. Instead I did the most impulsive and stupid thing I could think of.

All I could think of was how much I missed her, how much I needed her. How much I needed her to be real, right here and right now.

Cross that, I probably wasn't even thinking at all.

I don't know why I pushed her against the wall. I don't know why I trapped her between my arms. And I don't know why she didn't resist one bit. Her amethyst eyes sparkled in the night city lights, the orange of the lanterns reflected in her green hair. God, she was so beautiful.

I don't know why she came looking for me, why she risked so much for me.

What I do know is what happened next, and I know that it is wrong. This was so wrong.

But at the same time, it felt so right.

I don't remember how it happened, but her hands were pressing against my chest, yet she wasn't pushing me away. My hands were on either side of her head. And somehow, the distance between us was closed.

Her lips were just there, moving against mine, and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing I _wanted_ to do about it.

If I ever returned to the Black Order, Komui was so going to kill me.

But that was just as unlikely of happening as me kissing Lenalee again was. I could feel myself walking towards the edge. I could hear Nea laughing at my futile attempts to fight him. I could feel myself disappearing into my subconscious. But Lenalee was here. She was really here. She was my last anchor to reality, the last stop before I fell into complete madness.

Which is why I needed this so much more.

I'm sure she knew. I could tell by the salty taste that was suddenly added to our heated kiss. Were they her tears or mine? Probably both.

We both knew that this would probably be the last time we saw each other. Before I knew it, our tongues were engaged in a battle of dominance. I felt the need for oxygen rise in my lungs, but I wasn't ready to let go just yet.

She was in my arms, she was here. She was reality. She was the only reality I needed.

Her hands wandered from my chest to my hair, running through it.

I shouldn't have done this. I would know that I would want more. I wanted so much more than a single kiss. Once you taste the forbidden fruit, you'll always come back for more. But that wasn't even an option for me to begin with. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't go back.

I was a Noah, The Fourteenth, a traitor.

And she still had a bright future ahead of herself in the Order.

We broke apart, panting heavily. We stared into each other's eyes, clear feelings dancing in them.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I didn't know for exactly what I was apologizing, there were too many things. I just felt she was somebody who should hear an apology, even if she would be the last. "I'm so sorry."

She gently brought her right hand down and ran her delicate fingers over the scar on my face, cupping my cheek. "Don't be. It isn't your fault."

I leaned into her touch subconsciously. "You're wrong. It is. It's all my fault."

"Allen." She looked at me with stern eyes. Stern eyes that told me she believed in me, stern eyes that told me she would always stand by my side.

Which made everything all the more wrong. I didn't deserve someone like her.

"I'm so sorry, Lenalee." I wanted to tell her something else, and I wanted to tell her so badly, but it was so incredibly egoistical of me at the same time. How could I tell her I love her just as I'm about to leave her for good? This was a mistake, a huge mistake.

"Don't be like that, Allen. Don't give up. I'm here for you."

"I can't do this much longer, Lena, I just can't." I knew that these tears were mine. "It's eating away at me, the insanity, it's there, within an arm's reach." I looked down at both of my hands to emphasize my point. It all seemed like a joke now, protecting both humans and Akuma.

"I know you can. I believe in you. I love you." Her words were sad, but reassuring at the same time. I really needed this. How I wish I could tell her those same three words without the repercussions they would have.

But at this point, I wasn't going to have any regrets. I already made one mistake, what's another one? She deserved to know, even if it would break her heart.

"I love you too, I love you so much. But…" I murmured into her ear after I pulled her into a tight hug. The last one we'd ever share.

"I know." She replied with a sad smile before kissing me once more. This one was short, chaste and final. We both knew we would most likely never see each other again, not in this lifetime. "I know." She repeated through her tears. "I know, but I will never stop loving you."

"Lenalee…"

"Please don't forget me. No matter what happens, don't forget me." She pleaded silently as she linked her fingers with mine. There were so many things left unsaid, but her eyes did all the talking for her.

"I promise I won't." I whispered as I leaned my forehead against hers. I took a deep breath, taking in her scent one last time. I had to let her go now. I had to let her go if I didn't want to drag her down into the abyss with me. "You should leave now." I tried to keep my voice steady, but I couldn't hide the pained undertone. I wiped her tears away with my thumbs.

"I know." She gave me a pained smile. "Goodbye, Allen Walker."

"Goodbye, Lenalee Lee."

She turned to leave and headed back to the street. I was doing the right thing. I was letting her go. She would find happiness without me.

I grimaced as I felt my heart shatter. This was better for her. This was better for all of them. I walked down the alley, stopping in front of an abandoned store window. Nea's shadow was standing behind me, grinning widely. It was time.

I was going to lose control of myself, I was going to have fulfilled my purpose as a host. I was going to be swallowed by the darkness in my soul, by the madness, by the insanity.

After all, I had just let go of the very last anchor holding me to reality.

I looked at the night sky, seemingly mocking me with its vast never-ending freedom.

"I'm so sorry, Lenalee, I don't know whether I can keep my promise." I whispered into the night as Nea engulfed me. "I'm so, so sorry."

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 **AN: Reviews, please!**

 **~Emi**


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